Learning the hard way

On paper, at last a chance of getting our first points of the season.

Just what we wanted, a team of hungover students with no game plan and no team play, who'd been out on the lash the night before. We arrived at Varsity in good time - even Sumit was there, looking shell shocked at having turned up early doors.

Were the students out on the beer last night? - were they hell.

Were the students hung over? - were they heck as like.

Were they without a game plan? - were they budgery.

Did they play like a team? - I'm afraid they did.

Valley threw caution to the wind right from the start, fielding only 10 players. An impromptu lottery draw was held during the pre-match team talk and half the team ended up playing out of position. Making his full debut was Helen's main man, Dave. Helen then, very astutely, proceeded to impart some tips on how to play the game in 10 minutes of warm up. The opposition lined up, including an unfeasibly mature student in their ranks, who, surprise surprise turned out to be their most influential player.

The game set off at pace, which didn't help, with Uni weaving their passing around us, which didn't help, their passing hard and true, which didn't help. The Valley defence stood firm and resolute - we're good at standing firm. Attack after attack was repulsed, with all Valley players producing heroics, with last ditch tackling and interceptions. Failing that, a good old - fashioned stare helped their shooting go skew whiff.

Unfortunately, the tackles, interceptions and stares started to misfire, and the Valley wall was breached. Time to up the ante. Sumit fired up his chainsaw, and delivered a mighty swinging blow to stop a promising midfield move by the opposition. The umpire was so impressed, he felt the need to share his admiration with Sumit. The chainsaw was then duly put away, ready for another day.

In spite of Valleys efforts, they staggered into the goal 4-0 down at half time.

Valley cunningly lined up for the second half ahead of the umpire's whistle, in a ploy to cut short Uni's half time team talk. It worked for a while. With a slight reshuffle in midfield, the opposition's attack was blunted. The alert status was raised to DEFCON 3, and Valley's cameo-like moves of the first half became more meaningful. The defence held firmer for longer, but fatigue finally set in, with Uni netting another 3 goals in a sustained spell of pressure.

OK, so we lost 7-0.

However, among the many positives, including a never-say-die attitude, was the performance by Dave up front, on his debut. This was only his second game of hockey ever, but he betrayed his inexperience with intelligent running, pressurizing defenders and making their players look distinctly ordinary on many an occasion.

If we had the wit to award a Man of the Match award, Dave would have won it this week.

Dave - I think you secretly enjoyed yourself, and we will take you up on your offer to play again if required.

Thanks to Helen for umpiring.

[Ed: Thanks to Bomber for the match report ]